1. hold your fart in.
Me: “It’s not that hard,” I explain. “You know when you’ve got to poop really bad, but can’t make it to the bathroom for a while? You just hold it in? That’s what I need you to do with your farts.”
Children: “But it’s hard. I just can’t do that.”
Me: “Well, figure it out. I’m tired of smelling your colon.”
2. zip your fly… daily.
Me: “zip your fly son. Do you want your peter falling out? What if you move too fast at recess and it just… falls out? Do you really want the girls at recess and your teacher to see that?!”
B: “you’re crazy! No!”
Me: “Then zip your fly. I mean can’t you feel air flowing in there? How can you just walk around with your fly down?”
B: “I don’t know. I just don’t notice it.”
Me: “Well I do and it drives me crazy. Zip your fly and I’ll stop looking down to check for it.”
3. are you wearing socks? (daily)
4. did you brush every tooth? All around? Like your literally trying to touch every inch of tooth with your toothbrush?
5. put the dishes away where they go. Like the pizza cutter does not go with the pot holders.
6. flush the toilet, put the toilet seat down, wash your hands, turn out the light. every. single. day.
7. clean up your pee
Son: “But how do you know its me?”
Me: “Because yesterday you told me that you don’t even remember getting up in the middle of the night to pee, when I have literally seen you get up in the middle of the night to pee. So clearly, you are peeing in your sleep. But at least you are making it to the bathroom.”
Son: “But still, how do you know it’s me.”
Me: “Well, pretty soon your brother will have his own bathroom down stairs and I will not allow him to use this toilet so that any peeing will be from you and Linda.”
Son: “What if it’s Linda.”
Me: “Oh sure, Linda, a six year old girl, is standing up to pee, missing, and just leaving it. Sounds logical.”
The Next Day…
Son finishes using the restroom so I check it…
Me: “Son!! There’s pee all over the back of the toilet!”
Son: “how do you know it’s me!”
Me: “Dude!!! You just went pee!”
Son: “But it could be from earlier.”
Me: “No one is here except us! And it’s wet. It’s totally you! I told you!”
Son: “Okay, maybe this time, but not all the time.”